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Christmas Crackers for a Winter Wedding

(December 2018)

Anyone who chooses to get married around Christmas is a sadist. Of this there can be no doubt. So if you or someone you know has indeed doubled booked themselves a month of panic, presents and planning, then filling your speech with a few festive funnies may help ease some of their stress.

The traditions and festivities associated with this time of year should provide you with ample inspiration for all manner of barbs and broadsides. But if you're struggling to come up with the necessary Christmas spirit, take a look at some of our example lines below for inspiration. We'll begin with a couple of gags suitable for a groom, who should always try his best to make himself the butt of the joke, regardless of the time of year.

  1. "Hannah won't like me telling you this, but for Christmas she asked me for something black and lacey that she could get really dirty in. I couldn't wait, so for her wedding night I've bought her a pair of black size-10 Adidas Predator football boots. I hear they're good in the tackle."

  1. "When we told our mates we were having a Christmas wedding, one of them asked Lindsay and I to pick a Christmas film which sums up what we expect marriage to be like. I said 'A Wonderful Life', because I think that's what I'll have now I've found the woman of my dreams. Lindsay's choice? Die Hard."

Traditionally the bride doesn't make a speech at her own wedding, but many modern women are bucking that trend and having their say regardless. A bride's speech can be a bit more cutting than the groom's, and if you're looking for a theme, it's always funny to hear a little insight into what's gone on behind the scenes of the big day itself.

  1. "I have to admit I got carried away with the idea of a romantic winter wedding. What with planning all this and sorting out Christmas, I think I've given myself a lot of unnecessary work. Then again, I knew that was the case when I said yes to Gary."

  1. "I've been told my Pat's mother that I needn't make a New Year's resolution this year. She explained to me that resolution is the noun of the verb resolve, which I should expect to be tested sorely as soon as her son's got a ring on my finger. Her words, not mine!"

The father of the bride is expected to be a little more respectful than the other speakers, so he should focus on inclusive jokes which bring the audience members into the fold. For example, is there an unruly character here we need to know about? Has there been drama on the morning of the wedding? Or, if none of that seems suitable, perhaps offer up some interesting information on the happy couple from a father's perspective.

  1. "Did everyone enjoy the traditional Christmas pud we served up for dessert? That was my choice, as it happens. I felt it was a fitting tribute to my mother Vera, who is very much like a Christmas pudding. We see her once a year, she's rich but only ever has a pound on her, she can be a little bit fruity, and if you expose her to a naked flame, the brandy on the bottom goes wooosh!"

  1. "I know for sure that Amanda is happy with Ian because as a father, I know that look in her eyes well. I've seen it every Christmas Day since she was a little girl. When she got the Barbie and Ken Malibu playset, when she got her first bike, and now again today, when she's got her own little toy boy to play with."

Best men are permitted to be slightly more risqué than the rest of the speakers, and as such, their Christmas jokes can go further than anyone else. That doesn't mean you have to be crude though. There are plenty of ways you can work Christmas and New Year into a speech without resorting to blue humour, as you'll see in this trio of silly, sassy and smarmy comments.

  1. "I'd like to quickly apologise to Mike and Sarah for not doing justice to their big day so far. If I seem distracted during this speech, it's because I was recently the victim of a break-in. It happened the morning of Mike's stag do, actually. I woke up to find all my doors had been damaged and everything inside was gone. What sort of sicko does that to someone's advent calendar? Luckily Mike had a load of identical chocolates in his pockets and mouth, and he kindly shared them with me."

  1. "As best man, I felt it was my duty to help Rod compile his naughty and nice list to figure out who was invited to the sit-down meal and who was only good enough to get an evening invite. To be honest, after what he did on the stag do, I'm surprised Rod was invited at all".

  1. "What you may not know is that the best man at a Christmas wedding gets to take his pick of the leftovers. Or as they are traditionally known, the bridesmaids."

That's it for this month - and, indeed, this year. We'll be back with bucketloads topical wedding humour in 2019. In the meantime, have a great Christmas… even if you have to go to a wedding!