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Wedding Speech Material For July

(July 2016)

July's topical titbits are invariably themed around the big news story of the month - the release of Finding Dory at cinemas nationwide. Pretty good, wasn't it? Oh, also there's the Referendum thing too… Corbyn refusing to step down, Boris refusing to step up, and the pound plummeting quicker than a bridesmaid after one too many on the dance-floor. So where better to start than with some cheeky referendum references for your speech:

  1. "The way Britain decided to leave Europe was similar to how I felt when I first considered proposing to Becky. I weighed up the pros and cons, worried about our future, considered the financial benefits, but mostly did it to stop other people gaining entry."

  1. "Of course the silver lining to the past month was the resignation of David Cameron, so in our former Prime Minister's honour we'll be ending the evening with a hog roast."

If all this EU business is a little too contentious for your wedding party to bear, why not comment on some of the sports and entertainment news from the past month? Game of Thrones came to a dramatic conclusion as expected, the new Independence Day movie was released, and there was also some kind of football tournament going on if memory serves me correctly. But I can't for the life of me remember who was playing.

  1. "For me it was no surprise last month to see England beaten by Iceland. You just can't beat Iceland, especially their prices. Today's wedding breakfast cost me less than 12 quid all together. I hope you enjoyed your gristle on a stick and reconstituted meat pouches everyone."

  1. "Doesn't Marie look beautiful today? If you had to pick a sitcom to describe her, it'd be Absolutely Fabulous. Although Jack was hoping for Open All Hours, if you catch my drift. But continuing this theme, I'm sure the groom and his ushers would describe themselves as the League of Gentlemen, whereas personally I'd go for Men Behaving Badly… or Shameless."

July contains several international days for some timely inspiration, although it's best to avoid July 28th - World Hepatitis Day. And probably July 30th too - that's the UN day against people trafficking. July 4th is of course American Independence Day, July 14th is Bastille Day and, best of all, July 2nd is World UFO day, so get ready for plenty of jokes about being probed by the in-laws. But if you'd rather stick to non-topical lines for your laughs, why not try one of these timeless gags on for size:

  1. "For as long as I've known her, Harriett has always dreamt about getting married in a castle… but when I made this come true did she thank me? No. She just stood there with her arms folded and her back to me, bouncing up and down."

  1. "For those of you who don't know me, I'm Gary, the best man. I've been Rick's mate for what is it, 4, 5 days now? He found me on Gumtree. One previous owner; lightly soiled."

That last line there is a prime example of how delivery is the key to any joke's success. A best man who rushes through the deliberate stutter will get a mild titter at best, but those who take their time to practice the right delivery will see a much better reaction. Here's a brief father of the bride clip which demonstrates how even the shortest lines can get a laugh with the right approach, and with that we'll see you next month for what will hopefully be a more positive slate of material, unless the apocalypse destroys us all first.