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Wedding Speech Material For April

(April 2016)

April showers bring May flowers, and they also wash out your plans for an outdoor marquee. During the last month we've had plenty of topical treats to gorge ourselves on, including Novak Djokovic making sexist remarks about female tennis players, Adele admitting she has a beard called Larry, library funding cuts, and England beating the Germans then losing to the Dutch. Our favourite story was the one about the man hijacking an Egyptian flight just so he could speak to his ex-wife. Golly, the lengths some men will go to for pity sex.

Here are some of our takes on the last month's events, which you might want to slip into your forthcoming wedding speech:

  1. "Apple still refuses to help the FBI unlock that terrorist's iPhone as they claim it opens up a Pandora's Box of personal freedom violations. This is also why John won't give Lucy his Facebook password".

  1. "Anyone else feel like Batman v Superman was a lot like sex after marriage? Two people dressed in funny outfits fighting to bring life to a tired old routine"

April of course brings the infamous April Fool's Day into the sphere of wedding-appropriate material, although if you want to keep your reproductive organs intact we'd recommend steering clear of any wedding pranks on the day itself. We've also just enjoyed the Easter break at the arse end of March, so why not use your wedding speech to reference any egg-based anecdotes you may have collected?

  1. "Considering how expensive today was, I feel the same way now as I did after scoffing six Easter eggs last month. This is something I'm going to be paying for for a very long time".

  1. "Since this wedding is a religious ceremony I believe we should also mention the recent passing of the Easter period. After all, what better metaphor for Hannah and Paul's forthcoming experience than one night getting nailed followed by a period of seclusion then death."

If April's occurrences and occasions don't tickle your fancy then there are still plenty of new one-liners for you to pick from on the Wedding Speech Builder website. Here is one of our more recent additions:

  1. "When it comes to marriage, it's those unexpected acts of kindness that you do for each other that really count. Take this new suit I'm wearing. It was a surprise present from my wife. I came home from work early one night and found it hanging over a chair in the bedroom."

And if you need another classic one-liner then take a look at this snappy little gag from a Father of the Bride, proving that you can grab great laughs from an audience with nothing more than a witty observation and smooth, sharp delivery. That's your lot from us for April; we'll be back with May marriage merriment for you next month… if we haven't died from chocolate-induced heart disease, that is.