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Wedding Speech Material For November

(November 2016)

As we slowly make our way towards the arse-end of 2016, the year's penultimate article brings with it a steaming hot load of topical tit-bits ready for you to dump right into your November wedding speech. The American election may be over by the time you read this, so we'd like to offer our firm congratulations to 'Insert Name Here' on their fantastic victory. And in other recent news, we've had pouty Candice winning Bake Off, the Formula One season hurtling towards an exciting finish, and The James Webb, the most powerful telescope in history, being billed as a successor to Hubble. Here are some other wedding-suitable lines based on the past month's other newsworthy events:

  1. "I'm sure there are mixed feelings in the room over the news that Brexit can be legally blocked by parliament. Say what you want, though, but I think it's good to know that when something turns out to be an obviously terrible decision the courts are willing to get involved… Phil, there's still hope yet."

  1. "The news that Sir Phillip Green might lose his knighthood reminded me of when I first met Katie's dad. I was quite formal and called him Sir for the first few months, because I wanted to show him he deserved my respect, but that all stopped the day I came round and saw him watching snooker in a string vest and underpants."

  1. "Paying for this wedding is a lot like owning a Galaxy Note 7. It looked a good idea at the time but now it's burnt a hole in my pocket I'd quite like my money back."

With Halloween done and dusted for another year, many people's attention now turns to Guy Fawkes Night, and if you fancy a few cheap, easy laughs then I'm sure you can think of your own fireworks-based references to the wedding night. Just don't mention dead hedgehogs or toffee apples and you should be fine. Of course, November is also host to a few other interesting dates, including International Men's Day on November 19th, World Television Day on November 21st, and - in the US - Thanksgiving on the 24th. And aside from those, here are two other topical lines which reference forthcoming events and celebrations:

  1. "The only problem with Hannah choosing a November date is that the Groom and all his Best Men are doing Movember, where you grow a moustache for a month. So we had a tough choice today. Shave it off and ditch our support for a worthy cause, or irritate the Bride and turn up looking like a group of Radio 1 DJ's from the 70's."

  1. "One thing I can guarantee about Jack is that even though it's only November, he's already got all his Christmas shopping done. You have, haven't you mate? See. He's always been like this, getting the job done nice and early. I suppose that's also why he knocked up Samantha before they got married."

As usual, we've got a couple of non-topical wedding speech lines ready for you below because, let's face it, the news is pretty dreary these days, so why let Donald Trump's tiny wandering hands intrude on the happy couple's big day. Here are two brand new gags from our recently-updated wedding joke archive:

  1. "I know I'm not supposed to be saying this, but I believe congratulations are in order! *Pause* This is the first time Paul has eaten a meal that wasn't paid for with vouchers off Groupon."

  1. "I've been told that the best wedding speeches are short, simple and tidy. Well I should have that sorted then because I'm short, Pete's taught me how to be simple, and Kerry certainly knows a thing or two about looking tidy."

So that's your lot for this month, but before we go we'd just like to share with you this short clip of a brotherly best-man with a corker of a line. If you're worried about offending the Bride and Groom with a few ill-timed barbs, then making yourself the butt of your own jokes is a good way out. And, as he also references an event which happened only five minutes ago, the gag has the added effect of making everyone feel involved in the moment. Enjoy the video folks, and we'll see you again next month for our final slice of 2016 wedding humour.