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Wedding Speech Material For February

(February 2016)

Considering how many celebrities have passed away in the last month, you'd be forgiven for thinking wedding-appropriate topical humour is a little thin on the ground. But worry not speech givers, for speeches in February give us rather a lot to play with.

Amazon generously paid 3% of their tax bill, but such a strategy won't work on the fee for the wedding caterers. Jerry Hall married octogenarian mogul Rupert Murdoch, proof that they're both screwing folk for cash until the bitter end. And The Revenant was nominated for several Oscars, but steer clear of comparing the happy couple's wedding night Di Caprio getting mauled by a bear.

Here are some other fresh February funnies suitable for any forthcoming speech:

  1. (For a father of the bride)
    "I'm sure you're all as devastated as I am at the amount of famous faces passing on recently. Bowie, Rickman, Wogan; all bristling with life well into their golden years. Unlike my wife who's getting lazier by the day and I'm getting fed up with it. Now all of a sudden I have to wipe my own arse."

  1. (For a groom)
    "After the recent furore over how the Oscar nominations were dominated by white people, I wanted to avoid similar accusations of prejudice, which is why I went down to the local Chinese takeaway and invited Wang Li, Su Ling, Yang Shuo and Dong Deng over there. Don't stare… that's racist."

  1. (For a father of the bride)
    "On a day as magical as this, with a bride so stunning and a groom looking devilishly handsome, there's only one thing on everyone's mind… Making a Murderer! What the hell! Shocking isn't it? Seeing all that corruption, the tragedy, the injustice…reminds me of my own wedding day."

If the local news seems a little too downbeat for the atmosphere at your wedding then there's plenty of general material to go on, as these swift and sharp non-topical jokes demonstrate:

  1. (For a groom)
    "By the way, if I look stressed and panicked it has nothing to do with the wedding. I simply forgot to do my tax returns. If anyone asks, this was a business luncheon."

  1. (For a father of the bride)
    "Can you believe it's February already? Gone fast since Christmas hasn't it? Seems like that happy, carefree magical time was only yesterday…which is also how it feels after 40 years of marriage."

But of course there's one romantic date in February which nobody can ignore. I am of course talking about Shrove Tuesday. Feel free to whisk yourself into a frenzy with all manner of puns about flippers and tossers, but if you're still stuck for ideas, why not try our risqué pancake joke below. Or if it's a romantic Valentine's wedding you're attending, try this sly pop at a forgetful groom.

  1. (For a best man)
    "I'm glad this wedding took place before pancake day, because (Groom)'s been making batter by himself for far too long."

  1. (For a best man)
    "Having a Valentine's wedding might seem romantic, but I know (Groom) well; he's thinking 'Well if they're both on the same day I'm bound to remember one of them'."

The most important thing to remember about one-liners is to keep your delivery razor-sharp, so it pays to practice them a few times beforehand. If you need proof of how a deft delivery can instantly slay any crowd just take a look at this perfectly pitched prankster.

We'll see you again next month for some March marriage merriment.