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Wedding Speech Jokes For May

(May 2019)

The past few weeks have been as newsworthy as one could hope for, with plenty of topical tales just waiting to be weaved into your May wedding speech. The biggest news was that mankind has taken the first ever image of a black hole, but this monumental feat was somewhat overshadowed by the failure of United and Arsenal to qualify for the Champions League.

Elsewhere, Julian Assange was finally chucked out of the Ecuadorian Embassy after he refused to clean up after himself, the UK Government has hinted they'll make vaccinations compulsory, and the Japanese Emperor has shown Theresa how it's done by abdicating with grace. But you didn't come here for a nightly bulletin, so here are some of our hottest, wedding-appropriate takes on the recent news:

  1. "I like weddings. They're a lot like Avengers Endgame, where returning faces who we all thought were dead turn up for one last spectacular battle."

  1. "It's important never to assume things in married life. Just look at politics for example. The Tories and Labour decided that their humiliating loss of council seats was a sign they should get on with Brexit. That's like if Lisa locked me out of the house and I took it as a sign she wanted me to take a two-week holiday in Barbados."

  1. "When you were at the buffet earlier did you notice how Grandma and her old friends were there like a shot? Those ladies really know how to lock down a tray of vol-au-vents. It reminded me of Game of Thrones and the epic battle of Winterfell, locked as I was in a struggle for survival against the army of the dead."

"Jean Claude Juncker says that Europeans have lost their libido and fallen out of love with each other. In my experience there's no going back from that. It's too late to dress the entirety of the EU in latex rubber and introduce them to pegging."

Speaking of Europe, the month of May plays host to the greatest competition the world has ever known. No, not the FA Cup, or the Champions League Final, but the glory that is the Eurovision Song Contest. We've also got the Cricket World Cup kicking off, the end of the Premier League season, and two bank holidays to keep us occupied, so why not reference these events and make your speech seem extra timely:

  1. "I hope none of you will be rushing off early tonight to go and watch Eurovision. Why would you go home to sit there judging camply dressed weirdos who are desperate for attention when you can do that here for free."

  1. "With the Cricket World Cup coming up I can't help but think of Pakistan's Shahid Afridi, who has just revealed he is five years older than he said he was. Let's hope that's not true of Hannah, as her and Chris met aged 13, and that would make her a paedophile."

  1. "To end my speech, I thought I'd mark this day with a piece of wordplay, given that today, May 12th, is limerick day. Here we go. It is my honoured duty of course, this union of theirs to endorse, but if things go tits up then hey-ho cheer-up they can always get a divorce."

"I'm surprised that Ricky and Sam didn't choose to get married on May the 4th, given that they're such big fans of Star Wars. And incest!"

Topical gags not your thing? Then take a look at some of these corkers we've just added to our Wedding Speech Builder joke repository - it's a big silo on the edge of Coventry where we store our recently-harvested gags to keep them fresh and delicious:

  1. "This wedding nearly didn't go ahead, you know. Last month, Karen threatened to leave Mark because of his filthy and disgusting habits. He was so shocked he nearly choked on her toenails!"

  1. "The stag do wasn't as bad as I expected actually, but the lads did almost trick me into drinking a glass of yellow, lukewarm liquid. It was only when I smelt it I realised what it was. Absolutely disgusting. A pint of Fosters. Talk about taking the piss."

  1. "I found a recent credit card statement last night, and I immediately glared in Karen's direction. Thousands of pounds spent on dresses, jewellery, perfume and pampering sessions. God I'm glad she didn't find out before the wedding. I. Am. A. Diva!"

That's your lot for now. Don't forget to check back in with us in June when we'll have more topical jokes lined up for your early summer weddings. And enjoy the rest of this double bank holiday month, come what may.