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Wedding Speech Material For October

(October 2016)

If you're looking to throw a few topical gags into your wedding speech, the past month has certainly provided you with a broad church of wedding-worthy topics. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have split after several years of marriage, and with those two on the market, it might be wise to see if your own happy couple fancy a crack at one or both before they commit.

In equally sad news, reports have surfaced that a live action remake of the Lion King is imminent, and we've also had Elon Musk outlining his plans to colonise Mars, Bradley Wiggins being accused of faking asthma, and a Chinese guy who proposed to a girl with 999 boxes of condoms and a bouquet of thongs. And they say romance is dead. Anyway, here are some of last month's stories tweaked and twerked into some speech-suitable soundbites:

  1. "I wouldn't be where I am without my parents, so thanks to you both for everything you've done for me. Actually, the other day I was watching Trump and Clinton face off and it reminded me of you two. A bigot with bad hair and a woman with a murky past, it's like watching you two fight over the dinner table all over again."

  1. "Like everyone, I was shocked when Sam Allardyce was sacked after being filmed making inappropriate comments, and I'm sure this marriage would go the same way if anyone's filmed Phil saying what he really thinks about Cheryl's cooking."

  1. "I know Grandma Jean has been happy this month, what with Jeremy Corbyn being re-elected. Clinging on for dear life despite overwhelming odds, Jean is 85 this year."

As for October's forthcoming events, there are plenty of inevitable Halloween jokes to be made at the expense of those who wore black to a wedding. Bloody goths. And, as Sainsbury's are all too keen to remind us, it's now only a few months until Christmas. But if you're looking for a more unique take on the month ahead, why not try one of these two amusing autumn additions:

  1. "I'll end this speech with a public service announcement; don't forget that the clocks go back on the 30th. And no Chris, it's only an hour, you can't turn the clock back 20 years to a time before hair had abandoned your scalp."

  1. "And just think you two, you can celebrate this great day every year for the rest of your lives. I've always thought wedding anniversaries were a lot like that Fifa game; every twelve months you get a few new features, the odd new kit, and it becomes ever more difficult to control those loose balls."

Non-topical jokes are in plentiful supply inside our Wedding Speech Builder vault, and we're constantly adding new, hilarious lines for you to impress the bridesmaids and pretend you thought of yourself. Here are some of our most recent additions:

  1. "The first time I saw Paul and Linda together, my jaw literally dropped to the floor. Little black dress, knee-high leather boots… I forget what Linda was wearing."

  1. "I've always felt that marriage is a lot like setting a table; prepare to have a lot on your plate, you should both keep yourselves a little dishy, and you should always spoon after you fork."

As always, we'll end our monthly post with a video clip to show you how great delivery can improve even the most mundane of jokes. This line about a surly brother who doesn't love his brother may look low-key on paper, but when combined with the best man's dry and monotone delivery, this joke becomes a lot more memorable, adding character and context for the remainder of his speech. That's us for this month, but we'll be back in November with more heaps of hilarious news from home and abroad, news which we'll undoubtedly have jimmied into some kind of vague, wedding appropriate context.