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Wedding Speeches For January

(January 2017)

I doubt many of you will be sad to see the back of 2016. But if nothing else, she was consistent. Right up until the very end we had celebrity deaths and tragedies galore, with George Michael, Rick Parfitt and Carrie Fisher all joining the most macabre game of pile-on the world has ever seen. Obviously, this means that much of the past month's newsworthy content is a little too sombre for a wedding, but there are still a few recent stories which could be twisted into something speech-worthy.

The Hollywood sign was changed to Hollyweed by a group of pranksters, Ronda Rousey had her backside handed to her in the UFC, and footage of a pilot drunkenly stumbling towards his cockpit made nervous travellers of even the most confident high-fliers. Then, of course, we had those rumours swirling that the Queen had snuffed it, plus the added delights of a rail fare increase and the knowledge that all our carefully-saved pound coins will become useless from March onwards.

Hmm, still sounds pretty gloomy, doesn't it? So instead, here are some jollier stories which are certain to lift the spirits of even the gloomiest wedding congregation:

  1. "After seeing Mariah Carey fluff her lines on New Year's Eve, I decided to take extra precautions with my own big moment. Sadly, it seems wedding vows don't count if they're mimed to a backing track."

  1. "Thanks to the addition of a leap second to the year 2016, Leila's had to wait that little bit longer than most for her big special day. Although to be fair, that's nothing compared to the decade it's taken Jez to put a ring on this gorgeous girl's finger."

As we say a not-so-fond farewell to 2016, our hopes for the forthcoming year are tempered by the knowledge that Donald Trump is inaugurated on January 20th. Jesus Christ Almighty. As well as this momentous occasion, there are many national days to come in the first month of the year, including National Hugging Day on January 21st, Burns Night on January 25th, and Data Privacy Day on January 28th - that's one for your late night in-private browsers right there. But for a more original twist on wedding speech material referencing the New Year, why not try out these wisecracks instead:

  1. "Getting hitched in January means Ian and Clare have a lot of firsts to look forward to as a married couple. Their first married Valentines, their first matrimonial Pancake Day, their first April Fool's Day as a wedded couple, and their very first bank holiday weekend stuck towing a caravan on the A4 in the pissing rain while arguing over where they are doing Christmas this year. All as man and wife!"

  1. "With the beginning of the football transfer window, you may be expecting me to do a corny joke about being a free agent or loaning a hot Brazilian superstar in the summer if things don't work out. But as I've just signed a long-term contract that clearly won't be happening. Unless I'm offered sixty million by Shanghai Shenhua… then I'd have to think about it."

As ever, we've got a couple of non-topical lines which we've recently added to our huge archive of wedding appropriate material. There are literally thousands of one-liners, puns, anecdotes and jokes in the Wedding Speech Builder vault, and so here's a little taste by way of two of our most recent entries:

  1. "I promise to be a good husband and I know I'm not perfect. Lord knows I have my share of flaws. Even my own Best Man thinks I'm too impulsive, but what does he know? He only met me yesterday."

  1. "I've always known that Jason and Jackie would have what you'd call an on-off relationship - Jackie gets on her high horse, Jason gets off the Xbox, It's a good system."

That last joke was suited more to the best man than anyone else, but if this kind of humour seems a little too risqué, then your fall-back option is always to poke fun at yourself. Drawing complimentary parallels between the happy couple and your own situation is a fun, personal approach to wedding speech humour. As this best man clearly demonstrates, you don't always need a sharp one-liner to get the crowd on side. As with a little personal insight, a dose of sincerity and the introduction of a cold, hard fact, the audience will find themselves giggling with delight at your brazen approach to hooking up with the bridesmaids.

And that's your lot for this month! From everyone at Wedding Speech Builder we hope you have a great start to the New Year, and we also hope that people stop asking for David Attenborough to be wrapped in cotton wool. He's 90 for god's sake, the poor bloke would suffocate!