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Wedding Speech Material For January

(January 2016)

Many couples love to welcome in the New Year with a new start in life, and January marriages offer speech writers plenty of scope for seasonal and topical material. Recently, the news has been full of the warmest Christmas ever, Man United's longest winless run for decades (what a shame!), and the four new elements added to the periodic table. We've also seen Major Tim Peake jetting off to the International Space Station (some men will do anything to avoid Christmas with the mother-in-law).

Here are some other topical titbits to inspire you when writing your January wedding speech:

  1. "I'd like to make a toast to someone who can't be here today. Someone who meant a lot to me personally; and probably to everyone in this room. Please raise your glasses… to Lemmy out of Motorhead. Lemmy never married because he felt it was dishonest unless he found someone who could stop him looking at other women. And that's why I'm marrying the lovely Helena today. She stops me looking at other women all the time."

  1. "You don't need Donald Trump's budget to throw a lavish wedding party anymore than you need his comb-over to hide in a pile of Peruvian long-haired guinea pigs, but in both cases it helps."

Since January comes so soon after Christmas there is also ample opportunity for a few post-festive references if topical humour isn't really your thing. Here are a couple of lines suitable for a humorous best man, with both a safe and salacious option depending on your tastes:

  1. "As (Groom)'s best friend I couldn't be more thrilled for him. He's ended last year the same way he's started this one… by pulling a cracker."

  1. "The beginning of January means many things to many people, but to me it means only one thing. World's Strongest Man, Channel 5. World's Strongest Man has a lot in common with a marriage actually. There's excitement, there's grimacing, and those who live through it usually end up fat and bald."

If January comes and you're sick to the back teeth of Christmas references, then forthcoming events offer plenty of other sources for material. In the United States it is both National Stalking Awareness month and California's Dried Plum Digestive Health month. We've got Governor Schwarzenegger to thank for that one, and if you can't make a joke out of those two then you're plum knackered!

We also have some other general January jokes to get you going:

  1. "I suppose January is as good a time as any for a wedding, but since (Groom) and I are both football fans, I think I have a sneaking suspicion as to why he's pushed for this month over every other. Sorry to set you straight (Groom), but the January transfer window only applies to football. If things go wrong, you can't go on a six month loan to a barmaid in Crewe."

  1. "This is the time of year when people traditionally make New Year's resolutions, and (Bride) and (Groom) are no exception. As they begin their married life together, (Bride) has resolved to make all the important decisions, and (Groom) has resolved to let her."

Of course if you're going to lay on some close to the knuckle jokes like that you'll probably want to appease the bride and everyone else with a little self-deprecating humour. Here's a great video clip of a best-man who mocks his own stupidity perfectly, and could be used to kick off a speech and get people on side early on. Or you could go straight to the bride herself and make fun of the groom with this perfectly executed set up and punchline.

That's all for January. Happy New Year to you all and we'll be back in February with more pancake puns than you can squirt a lemon at.