March Wedding Speech Suggestions
(March 2019)
I don't know about you, but the phrase I've heard the most over the past month is "Oooh, is it me or is getting warm all of a sudden?". Granted, I do spend my days sitting next to old ladies on the bus, and it's hard to control your bladder at that age. Nevertheless, the weather has been rather delightful lately, unlike the news, which will remain grotesque until the end of days.
Did you know that weekend lie-ins are apparently bad for your health if you're using them to make up for missing sleep during the week? It's true, although the same can't be said for the rumours surrounding this momo craze on the internet, which seems to have been entirely invented for the purposes of scaring Daily Express readers. That's not hard though, is it? Just put a brown person on the cover and they'll lose their lunch in no time. Is it time for some jokes now, mother? Yes it is, my darling son.
(for a groom)-
"Kelly and Ian are heading off for their honeymoon soon. Hope it goes well. I don't want a phone call from my daughter midway through saying she's having a terrible time. We've had enough brides begging to come home in the news lately as it is."
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"Trump's old lawyer has come out all guns blazing with a damning report into his former client. Now, I'm no Trump fan myself, but I can't imagine it's a pleasant experience having someone you used to be close to reveal all your dirty secrets, all the weird stuff you've said behind closed doors, and all the clandestine payouts you've made to sex workers. It gave me a lot of inspiration for my best man speech, let me tell you."
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"Last week, some burglars raided a French farmhouse and didn't realise there was a £129 million pound Caravaggio painting there too. It reminds me of the time I pulled Leah. I went in, wrecked the place, and didn't even notice her 400 quid hairdo."
Right, that's the news dealt with. What's coming up in March to make everything all better? We've got Pancake Day and St Patrick's Day of course, and Mother's Day too. Then towards the end of the month there's comic relief… as we all laugh maniacally at the prospect of a no-deal Brexit. Actual Comic Relief lands on the 15th of March, though. Oh, and don't forget International Women's Day on the 8th. That's when the ladies leave their domestic duties and go to get capped for their country in a meaningless friendly against Belgium, I think.
(for a groom)-
"Comic Relief has come under fire for perpetuating the white saviour trope, whereby westerners fly to Africa to pose with the underprivileged and the poor. You'll all get to experience this for yourself later during the wedding photos with me. After how much this wedding's cost, just five pounds a month could transform my life. Please, give generously."
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"Today's ceremony falls on Pancake Day, a day where people play around with batter and hot fat. Incidentally, those were the ushers nicknames in high school."
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"Not that it makes much difference since we're all getting leathered anyway, but today is also St Patrick's Day. That time of the year when everyone tries desperately to find a little bit of Irish in them. Of course, Conor's wife experiences that on a daily basis."
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"Apparently, we're close to having a second Brexit referendum, which I don't agree with, as it reminds me of when my wife and I renewed our vows. You're asking people to confirm the choice they made years ago, despite now knowing the horrible, ugly truth."
Don't be surprised if some Twitter twonk steals that last joke and claims it as their own before long. Anyway, if topical and timely stuff isn't your cup of chai, here are some freshly piped laughs directly from the hot comedy valve that is the Wedding Speech Builder vault. Don't eat them all at once. You'll ruin your tea.
(for a best man)-
"As Best Man, it's my job to tell you the stories Graham left out, like the time he and Alannah met for the first time. Late night outside a kebab shop it was. I know because I was there. And as God as my witness, the first time they met sparks flew, and Graham fell to her feet. She still carries that Taser to this day."
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"I shouldn't really tell you this, as I know Rachel won't like it, but the wedding very nearly didn't go ahead after we had a big argument last month. She actually told me she was leaving me due to my propensity to exaggerate, and I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock."
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"As a modern woman and a feminist, Frances has no problem with taking my last name. But I certainly do, because anyone who knows her knows she won't stop there. Next, she'll take my first name, then my middle name, then my national insurance, then my online identity, shortly followed by my insurance details, bank account, and corpse to a landfill site."
Okay, that's your lot for this month. We'll be back in April as usual, by which time Britain will have surely left the EU, taken back its Empire, and won three world wars and two world cups - according to Jacob Rees Mogg, anyway. Au revoir!