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Wedding Speech Material For September

(September 2016)

With the summer well and truly dead, you may want to inject a little humour into your forthcoming September wedding speech. And, as always, we've got plenty of topical takes on the past month's events for you to pass off as your own pearls of wisdom. In sports news we've just seen the Premier League kick off, and Great Britain somehow managed to finish second in the Olympic table. In the world of dead celebrities, we lost R2D2 actor Kenny Baker, and Willy Wonka himself Mr Gene Wilder. It may seem hard to twist depressing news into an amusing wedding speech quip, but as you'll see from these two political jokes, with the right angle anything can be made funny:

  1. "Steve's quite passionate about politics you know. Last night we discussed the junior doctors pushing for monthly strikes, and he stood firmly in solidarity with them. Not that that's a surprise, since they've both been forced to sign brutally oppressive contracts against their will… haven't they, Lisa."

  1. "Theresa May says Britain must make a success of Brexit, but I don't think she realises how tough it's going to be. 35 years ago I made a hasty, spur of the moment decision of my own, and I've been paying for it ever since, (look at Bride) although this wedding should be the last instalment."

Outside of politics, we've also had some more positive news in the form of outer-space signals which might be from another civilization. In other news, Apple have been forced to pay $11billion in back taxes to Ireland, UBER has introducted electric cars into London, and everyone's favourite felon Chris Brown has been arrested once more. Here are a couple of lines regarding the more pleasant news from the past month:

  1. "And a big thank you to the caterers for this wonderful spread. You've certainly done a great job with the cake. It looks like something from Bake Off, doesn't it? With its glazed look, crusty edges and soft centre, it's got a lot in common with the best man."

If topical jokes aren't your bag then there's plenty of other seasonal material you can use for humorous reference. Summer is nearly over, the kids are back at school, and September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day - if you can't fashion a joke out of that then you're royally screwed. Here are a couple of non-topical nuggets for you too:

  1. "I can see a few glum faces on the kids here today, not surprising when their six week holidays have just finished. There are a lot of similarities between getting married and going back to school you know; you've got to buy your uniform nice and early, you worry if you've everything ready, and it seems to take forever to come around. And when it's all over, it's mum who needs a lie down."

  1. "At the request of the bride and because it's so warm, I have shaved off my beard for the wedding. Shame, as it was really starting to grow on me."

Now of course, many of these one-liners may need tweaking to fit the personalities of your own guests - your groom may not be political and the best man may not have a soft centre at all. But sometimes it's okay to stretch the truth a little if you're doing it for laughs, as this best man demonstrates rather well indeed.

And that's your lot for this month, but we'll be back approximately one moon cycle from now with some October observations for an Autumn wedding speech.