Humorous groom speeches

The right groom speech can harvest humour from just about any wedding scenario. The examples here demonstrate a range of common scenarios, and the way to play them for laughs (tactfully, of course). Making jokes at the expense of yourself goes down well, as do mild put-downs about various guests, providing they have a sense of humour!

The Groom who Is Friendly With The In-Laws

(A speech packed with laughs, that plays on the fact the groom is very comfortable around his parents-in-law.)

Get on like a house on fire with your new in-laws? This speech could well work for you. If you reckon they'll be game for a laugh, this is a great way to get them involved without veering into risqué territory. Just don't forget to pepper the speech with some genuine gratitude!

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Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. Linda and I have discussed at length the acknowledgements that we both wish to make in this speech. If I forget any of these, not only shall I kick myself afterwards, Linda will kick me too. We're close like that.

The Waggish Groom

(A humorous groom speech with a smattering of sentimentality. Bound to prompt a lot of laughs, and might just get a few tears too.)

Are you the kind of groom who could get away with moaning about missing the footy for your wedding? Then this speech will suit you down to the ground. Though it takes little digs at the best man, the butt of most of the humour here is the groom himself. That's why it works so well. The bride, as ever, is complimented. Lots.

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I was lucky enough to be brought up in a loving atmosphere by two terrific parents. My mum and dad are remarkable people. You know, my dad used to get up at 5.30 every morning and do fourteen hours strenuous work and thought nothing of it. As it happens, I’m very much the same … I don’t think much of it either.

The Bold Groom

(A brazen groom cracks a couple of jokes at the expense of his wife, but only the safest of ways! The two best men get a dose of the same medicine.)

As groom, you're going to be extremely close to the bride (hopefully, anyway). If you're sure that your better half can stand a few gentle gibes, go for it. There are two best men at this particular wedding, and both of them get a ribbing too (although, again, it's really all complimentary stuff). In this speech example, the groom also admits he's having a hard time telling his parents how he feels. Aww, bless.

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The last time I was sat at the top table for a wedding, I was a best man. Today is like moving from the witness box to the dock.

The Groom Who Praises His Independent Wife

(A speech acknowledging that while the newlyweds are now joined as one, the wife is still very much her own, successful person.)

Just because your partner is now your devoted wife, that doesn't mean she doesn't have a life of her own. This speech pays homage to a successful, independent wife, without being overly fawning. It also reassures the bride's parents that you're up to the job of husband. Remember, a groom speech is not just about pleasing people; it’s about not upsetting anyone either!

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I would like to thank Alan, my father in-law, for footing the bill for today’s festivities. I did wonder why throughout last winter he had the heating turned down, and resorted to eating cold beans straight from the tin. With today's lavish festivities in full flow, my question has been answered.

The Funny, Self-Financing Groom

(A speech for a groom who can carry off jokes, and get oodles of laughs from talking about the wedding planning process.)

Did you and the bride largely organise and pay for the wedding yourselves? This speech recalls the funniest and/or most stressful moments in the lead-up to the special day, without harping on about how much the whole thing has cost. There's also a sentimental segment about the bride in here – no groom speech should be without one!

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First of all, I’d like to thank Austin Reed for the suit; Interflora for the corsage and Superdrug for the Valium. Yes, I've had one or two trying times in the lead-up to this wedding. Never has a man endured so many conversations about veils, shoes, and dresses. And all without falling asleep once.

The Well-Balanced Groom

(A speech that begins humorously and keeps it up throughout. Simultaneously, the speech is extremely touching in places. The best of both worlds.)

A great groom speech is all about striking the balance, and that's exactly what this example does. From the get-go, tongue-in-cheek material is used to grab the audience's attention. But there's also substance to what's being said. Take, for example, what the groom says to the best man. It's both cheeky and heartfelt.

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Distinguished guests, those of lesser distinction, and those of none, welcome to our wedding breakfast. We weren't originally going to have a wedding breakfast at all, but we've suddenly become the proud owners of seven toasters.

The Emotional, Self-deprecating Groom

(A touching speech that will pluck the heartstrings of the audience, and raise a few laughs in the process.)

Just because a groom is sincere, that doesn't mean he can't be funny. This speech contains heartfelt thanks on behalf of the bride and groom, but there are some deft little touches of self-deprecation too. Note that at the start, the groom pays tribute to the father of the bride's speech. That's a thoughtful and traditional thing to do.

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First of all, I’d like congratulate Linda’s father on such a marvellous speech. It has raised the expectation of my speech to a level that I cannot possibly hope to fulfil. In fact, Alan, do you want to do this one too?

The Groom Marrying A Bride With A Child

(An in-depth speech which covers several bases, one of them being that the bride already has a child.)

Does your bride have a child from a previous relationship? This speech brings that subject to the fore with a beautifully self-deprecating paragraph. In this case, it reveals that the groom now has two very special ladies in his life. The rest of the speech is droll, detailed and a bit longer than the average groom's monologue. You can always trim it down.

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Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Please forgive me if I resort to my notes every five seconds. It's a ploy to fool you into thinking this speech has actually been prepared. The piece of paper in front of me is actually the best man’s bar bill.

The Playful Groom

(A tongue-in-cheek monologue that dares to poke fun at a fastidious bride. But only in the safest of ways...)

If your bride can take a joke, there's nothing wrong with making a (safe) gag or two at her expense. In this speech, the bride's fastidiousness is targeted. The parents-in-law get a similar treatment – the groom jokes about them in a way that's also complimentary. If you do have a good relationship with your parents-in-law, it's great to be able to use this in your speech.

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Organising a wedding can be hard work. Hours of discussion, debate and disagreement, then finally, Linda decided how she wanted me to propose. Even then, I didn't quite get it right. I didn't know it was possible to have a bad kneeling technique...

The Groom Who Holds His In-laws In High Regard

(A speech that acknowledges the strong relationship between the groom and his in-laws. Of course, it spotlights the groom's own parents too.)

Are you a groom who's on particularly good terms with the in-laws? This speech pays homage to that special relationship in a delightfully tongue-in-cheek manner. You can't praise the bride's parents without doffing your hat to your own, no one is left out here. This speech is also written for a groom who has (along with the bride) largely organized and paid for the wedding.

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My new in-laws have always made me feel like I'm part of the family. Carol often gets me to take the rubbish out, and Alan will happily let me mow the lawn in exchange for a bit of pocket money. Fingers crossed – soon I'll be allowed to wash the car.

The Cheeky, Glowing Groom

(A humorous speech from the groom that's guaranteed to get a lot of laughs, yet never offend anyone.)

Confident performing funny material in front of a mixed audience? This might be the speech for you. The material here is cheeky towards almost everyone mentioned, but in a way that's complimentary, not awkward. If you want to keep the best man on his toes, material like this will do just that.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I had originally intended to say just a few words. My wife, however, demanded a bit more than that. So what you're about to hear is a thinly-edited version of Gwyneth Paltrow's Oscar acceptance speech for Shakespeare in Love.

The Anecdotal Groom

(The laughs are laid on thick with this anecdotal speech which affectionately recalls amusing moments in history between the happy couple.)

This speech shows how a groom can bring down the house with anecdotal humour. He tells stories from the couple's past – both recent and further back in time – to comical effect. He is also clever enough to take the mickey out of himself on a few occasions. While being hilarious, don't neglect to pass on your genuine gratitude to everyone.

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For me, the key to a happy marriage will probably be this: “Always help Linda with jobs around the house.” How many men do you honestly think have been killed by their wives whilst doing the washing up?