Wedding Presents for Comic Effect

The addition of presents to a traditional wedding day has always been a bit of an odd one, as nothing demonstrates the value placed on marriage today like the necessary accompaniment of gift-wrapped tat. Throwing a few present-based gags and references into your wedding speech can be just as entertaining, and today we'll show you how to do exactly that, with our guide to using wedding presents for comic effect.

There are plenty of general angles you can take on wedding present humour, so it's important to ensure you get the tone exactly right for the occasion. Risqué lines such as our first example may prove too much for an audience of hand-wringing religious types, but the second quip shows how you can pander to such people without bending over backwards:

  1. "Thank you for all your wonderful gifts today. Tonight's going to be a lot like Christmas Day, unwrapping something beautiful and playing with it until the small wee hours - but we'll be tired after that so we'll open our presents in the morning."

  1. "I imagine it was quite hard buying presents for Hannah and I, because having lived together IN SIN for three years we've already got the basic essentials. The one thing we do need is a new dimmer switch for the bathroom, and if anyone's got us that I'll be both impressed and unsettled."

A wedding speech devoid of personalities is a painful thing to experience, so one way you can illuminate your audience on the various people present is to make reference to their gift-giving skills. Don't be afraid to take digs and point out the funny traits of your friends and relatives, but if someone is genuinely hard up, you may wish to steer clear of mocking their choice of gift:

  1. "I always panic at weddings wondering if my gift is a little bit crap compared to everyone else's. But don't worry folks, whatever you've bought won't be worse than what my brother's got us. He asked two days ago if we're doing wedding pressies, I said yes and he came back one hour later clutching a bag from LIDL."

  1. "If I were Max and Laura I'd be over the moon with how generous you've all been, although I would be worried about what Aunty Pam has bought. She loves car boots and has a habit of re-gifting, so you've either got a manual for a 2007 Vauxhall Astra or the complete works of Daniel O'Donnell."

Wedding gift registries are another example of the delightful cultural traditions Britain has imported from America, along with sweet sixteens, black Friday, and throwing birthday parties for dogs. However, if this particular couple has gone down this route don't fret; because there's still plenty of scope to rib them:

  1. "When we compiled our wedding gift registry we didn't go by the things we need, more so things we thought you lot would buy us. Garden ornament, that's Grandma. Erotic cookbooks, definitely pervey Pavel over there. Ooh, look at that lovely set of sporks for a tenner, that's Uncle Jim all over, the cheap bastard."

  1. "Us making a wedding gift list is very similar to the arrangement Shanna and I have over doing laundry - we've gone ahead and done it because we didn't trust you to get it right yourselves."

If the happy couple has decided to do away with wedding gifts in favour of cash offerings or donations to a charity for Venezuelan hamsters with diabetes, then you've actually got even more material to work with than if they'd gone down the traditional route. Whether they've asked for something in lieu of gifts, or they require nothing more than your presence, it's always fun to explore their decision and joke around it:

  1. "As you'll know, we've decided to eschew the idea of wedding gifts, because your presence here today is reward enough. Although I am hoping someone's kept the receipt for Aunty Kelly, as she's had a bit to drink and I'd like to know where to return her."

  1. "Of course we've forgone wedding presents today in lieu of a donation to charity, because who needs gifts when Ella's parents have already given me the greatest gift of all… an open bar."

  1. "Carl and Amy have today asked for donations to their honeymoon rather than gifts, and I think that's a wonderful idea. With my offering, hopefully they'll enjoy a wonderful meal under the stars, and with cousin Dan's donation they can have a play on the 2p machines after."

This list of gifting jokes for a wedding speech is by no means exhaustive, but the final category of humour which we've plucked out of our backsides concerns references towards married life. Overstating the importance of these gifts regarding the happy couple is one angle you could take, but if you're still struggling for material, picking out personalities from the crowd is always a reliable fall back option:

  1. "Wedding gifts play an important role in maintaining a happy marriage. A beautiful photo album helps retain precious memories, crystal glassware lets them toast their future together, and if you've made something yourself you'll be giving Steve and Lisa the most precious gift of all… laughter."

  1. "Thank you so much for the many great gifts you've provided, we truly feel honoured. I promise we'll make use of every single one. I'll use the toaster to make Sara breakfast in bed, we'll use the bath set to have a romantic soak together, and Gary's present will stop many an argument because those coasters are going straight under the short leg on the living room coffee table."

  1. "As the father-of-the-bride, and having been married thirty years, we've still got some of the gifts from that day, haven't we love? Although to be fair, we didn't have eBay or Gumtree back then."