Speech Material For March 2017
The past month has proven to be a thriller for those with an exhibitionist streak. Leaked documents stolen from the CIA hinted at a worldwide surveillance operation being undertaken by the American security agencies using your smart devices. One such device is the Nintendo Switch, which was only just released at the beginning of March and is almost certain to cause the downfall of marriages and relationships across the nation.
In other news, the UK was battered by Storm Doris, Chancellor Philip Hammond revealed his budget, and the Lords defeated Theresa May's latest attempt to squeeze the Brexit bill through without amendments. The world of sports proved pretty eventful too, as the nation watched David Haye hop his way through a bout with Tony Bellew, Arsenal suffer their annual trouncing at the hands of Bayern Munich, and United stumble their way towards English football's least important trophy. Oh, and did you see the Barcelona-PSG game? Blimey.
But if none of those stories tickles your unmentionables, here are a few other topical gags based on the past month's other hot headlines:
"After what happened at the Oscars, I'm sure I wasn't the only one worried about Andy blurting out the wrong name during his vows. Thankfully he got through it. But don't relax yet, because there's still the wedding night."
"As much as I know Pete loves Jacqui, I feel like he married her for the same reasons the American people voted for Trump; to get things back to how they used to be and to stop other people gaining entry."
It's always a good idea to check online to see if your wedding falls on the same dates as a particular holiday or observance, as this can often prove a veritable goldmine for fresh material. For example, the 8th of March is International Women's Day, the 21st is International Poetry Day, and the 24th is the United Nations Day for Tuberculosis Awareness. You probably won't want to mention that last one, but these next two dates may prove a little more useful for inspiring your speech:
"I can't be the only one looking forward to St Patricks Day, hey? You get to dress up in a funny hat and drink all day to celebrate someone you don't know and something you couldn't give two hoots about. A bit like a wedding really."
"Of course you'll all have noticed that this wedding is extremely close to Mother's Day, and if you didn't know that, you're welcome for the reminder! Not that Lisa's mum Cathy needs any tokens or trinkets, mind, as she's already received the greatest gift a mother could hope for - the gift of reduced responsibility. Tough luck Jack, she's your problem now."
Not a fan of topical humour? Then what the hell are you reading this article for? Nevertheless, here are a few more gags pulled fresh from the gaping wound of our wedding speech joke repository. We've got literally thousands of lines for every occasion waiting for you in there, and here are a few of our more recent deposits:
"And on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you for all your wonderful gifts. I myself gave them a dictionary, because despite me agreeing to make this speech and therefore ruining my own enjoyment of the occasion they've yet to find the words to thank me!"
"I'm glad today's gone smoothly but to be honest, it was all a bit hectic this morning. First of all, Harry spent two hours tasting the desserts to make sure they were all okay, and then he realised he'd lost Jemma's wedding ring! He swore he hadn't left them in the kitchen, but I knew better, and the proof was in the pudding."
"You'll notice (Groom) is looking rather trim today. He says it's because in the run up to the wedding (Bride) got him into this clean living lifestyle; clean the car, clean the kitchen, clean the bath, clean your shoes."
So that's your lot for the month! The bloke who gets me to write these things hasn't given me a video to include for your viewing pleasure, so I guess we'll have to do without. But we promise to have one ready for you next month when we return with more wedding-appropriate April tomfoolery, courtesy of the next lunar cycle's lunacy-filled news headlines.