Speech Material For April 2018

The past month has been cold in every sense of the word, what with tensions between Russia and the West being only briefly interrupted by a second burst of wintery weather. There's also been plenty of controversy around the Labour party to chew on, but the month's biggest news was the tragic passing of legendary physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking.

It wasn't all bad news, though, as in recent weeks we've found T-Rex footprints on the Isle of Skye, the Hubble Space Telescope took the most distant image of a star ever seen, and Warwickshire Police tried to cheer everyone up with a ridiculous e-fit of a criminal with a comically wide mouth. I dated a girl who looked like that once. Such a massive gob has absolutely no benefits whatsoever.

Anyway, here's a taste of some positive, topical takes on the past month's news which you may see fit to shove into your wedding speech:

1. "Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway went ahead without Ant due to his struggles with alcohol. And tragically, I suspect that the wedding night nuptials will go ahead without Les for similar reasons."

1. "Was it Russia? Was it Iran? Was it MI5? The Government still hasn't found out where that Novichok poison came from. And I can sympathise with them, as I fear we'll struggle to discover who gave us that marital aid as a wedding present. Rest assured, Interpol is on the case."

1. "I was watching the footy the other night when Ronaldo was applauded for an overhead kick by the opposition fans, who he then applauded back. Lovely gesture, I thought. Yet when a woman compliments me on my beard and I give her the eye, my wife gives me a slap. I guess it's one rule for Ronaldo and one for the rest of us."

1. "I find it hilarious that everyone's been deleting Facebook after discovering how much data they've kept on us. I mean come on, that'd be like Jemma divorcing me over the 'revelation' that I'm a fat lazy bastard."

Speaking of fat bastards, I imagine a fair few of you are pretty full of chocolate right about now. And if not, what the hell is wrong with you? But now that Easter has passed, there are plenty of other religious and non-religious holidays which may line up with your wedding day festivities. Passover arrives on April 5th, the 11th is National Pet Day, the 12th is Grilled Cheese day, and April 22nd is World Earth Day - each of these holidays are equal in my eyes. The 23rd of April is also St George's Day, but in lieu of some obvious jokes about slaying the dragon with a massive sword, here are some other holiday-related lines suitable for an April wedding speech:

1. "There's no escaping the fact that today, your wedding day, is Friday the 13th. Now you can choose to look at that in two ways. Either you're asking for trouble and one of Jack's exes is going to run in here announcing she's pregnant, or you're both so loved up that even disaster couldn't prevent this being the happiest day of your lives. Will someone please lock the doors and make sure it's the latter?"

1. "Did you two know that you're getting married on the Queen's birthday? It's true, but while today, 21st of April is the day she was born, our Queen actually celebrates properly on the second Saturday of June. I bet she invites only the people she likes to her actual party. You know, like how some of us got to go to the reception and the rest of you are irrelevant. Like that."

Right, that's our topical business attended to. Let us now give you a hot creamy sample of some recent additions to our Wedding Speech Builder joke repository. We're always adding new lines or fresh takes on old favourites to our gag vault, so here are three lines we've just come up with for your reading pleasure:

1. "I was told by the bride's mother that my outfit was missing something today, and she instructed me to go looking for flowers to wear inside my lapel. Being the dutiful Best Man I am, I did as I was told, but I had to take it out before the ceremony because the pot kept banging on my belt."

1. "I have a confession to make. This morning I wanted to make sure I looked my best for my darling wife, so I spent at least two hours taking selfies in the bathroom from each and every angle. At one point I had my leg hoisted above my head and my arms behind my back trying to check out my bald spot, but I slipped and broke the mirror. I hope it doesn't reflect badly on me."

1. "White doves were going to be released at the ceremony to celebrate the newly-minted nuptials, but the groom wasn't so keen on the breed. He insisted that the true bird of love was not the dove, but the swallow."

And that's your lot! We'll be back in May as usual when we'll have some hot wedding takes on Eurovision, the end of the Premier League season and whatever hilarious tragedies have befallen our nation in the interim. Bye bye for now!