Wedding Speech Material For March
March is said to come in like a lion and go out like a lamb. If that isn't an apt metaphor for married life I don't know what is. The last month's news gave us plenty of preposterous and political things for us to plonk into a wedding speech, with a 16-year-old boy winning the chance to shack up with a porn star, Cameron castigating Corbyn over his lack of a tie, and a huge debate over freedom of speech with regards to 'safe spaces'. Scared you'll need a safe space of your own after cocking up the wedding speech? Then read on for some meaty morsels of matrimonial March madness:
"I think Sarah and Mike will stay married for the same reasons Britain will remain in the EU - there's less chance of conflict and they're scared of going it alone. Although hopefully they'll both do a better job of stopping people entering without permission."
"With more junior doctor strikes on the horizon let's hope nobody falls ill today, although we all know Jeremy Hunt is the one at fault. Who in their right mind imposes upon someone a contract forcing them to agree to things they know are impossible? In other news, weren't Jane and Bob's vows just lovely?"
"I'm curious to see how people use Facebook's new reactions when the wedding photos are posted. Bridesmaids looking great - Love! Uncle Frank asleep in the corner - Laugh! Pete and Lisa sharing a kiss - Cry! The stag do photos on the other hand - Wow Wow Angry Angry Wow Angry Angry Wow."
As spring takes hold and the year begins to blossom, you also have opportunity to play with some seasonal events in your wedding speech. There are a few obvious jokes about all the fresh hope of a Spring wedding being dead by Autumn, and blokes giving up sex for marriage as if it were Lent, but why not try these more original seasonal lines on for size instead:
"I've always found St Patricks Day very similar to a wedding day. Most of the people celebrating and getting wasted have got nothing to do with it".
"With the clocks going forward tonight. Claire and Rob will wake up tomorrow morning wondering where the time has gone. But that's marriage for you."
If there's nothing about this time of year which seems appropriate for your wedding speech, then it's also completely fine to weave in some more general gags about the bride and groom. Regardless of content, most jokes can easily be punched up or toned down according to your audience's tastes, as these two non-topical lines demonstrate:
"Whilst writing this speech, I've been desperately trying to find something from Ben's past that he would be ashamed about. Drug dealers, lap dancers, loan sharks, women he got pregnant and then abandoned - but not one of them had a bad word to say."
"Andy and Julie. Married at lunchtime and still going strong four - yes, four - hours later."
Of course, jokes alone cannot be relied upon to keep a speech flowing, and the very best orators know that to get that one-liner or comedic anecdote the response it deserves requires a deft delivery preceded by a suitable introduction. Watch this video of a Groom disarming his audience by charming eulogising about his father to provide the perfect setup for his final one liner, and don't forget to join us next month for some April anecdotes and Easter-themed entertainment.