Jokey Bride Speeches

There's no reason the blokes should have all the fun with their wedding speeches. This joke-packed collection of bridal speech material still covers the important sentiment of the day, but they focus on witty observations, cutting remarks, and entertaining anecdotes to really add some spirit to the occasion. These are well-suited to a confident bride, especially one who has a few things to get off her chest!

Tug On Their Listicles

(Not every speech has to be a carefully crafted piece of beautiful prose. Everyone loves a list!)

If you have a few funny points to make, doing a list is a time-effective way of getting your jokes across without droning on like Nan does after too many sherries. People love lists. Top 5 ways to decrease belly fat. Top 9 ways to bake vegan brownies. Top 600 excuses men have for not mowing the lawn. These lists are depressing, make yours funny and it’ll become a memorable part of a much-loved speech.

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The five important rules to a healthy marriage:

1. Marriage is an investment that pays dividends so long as you can take the time to pay interest.

2. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.

3. Make sure the last word said in an argument is ‘sorry’.

4. Accept that as you get older, trousers get higher.

5. Be kind to your mother-in-law. Babysitters are expensive.

Don’t Be A Stranger

(Be sure to thank everyone who has turned up, even those who don’t seem familiar.)

Weddings are inevitably full of people neither the Bride nor Groom know particularly well. It’s a nice touch to thank these people and acknowledge their presence and effort in coming to your big day. After all, who knows what fancy gifts they may have brought you! Mingling with new acquaintances is a great chance to meet Uncle Ken’s new girlfriend, several cousins you never knew you had, and that friend of a friend you once had a drink with. Then extract drinks from the lot of them.

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I would like to start by welcoming every one of you here as you have all played some part, however small, in our lives and are valued because of that. Your presence here is important to us. On occasions like this it’s important not to forget the little people. And no, I’m not talking about the dwarf tossing from Paul’s stag do.

Top Tips

(Friends and family impart both useful and useless wisdom that can be used to great effect in a speech.)

In the run up to a wedding everyone is going to be offering you advice. Whether it’s your mother showing you how to walk in a dress, or your hairdresser Fernando offering intimate waxing tips. Use these little titbits of information to form part of your speech. Anything helpful will seem gratefully received, anything unhelpful will get a few laughs. Note, any non-beer-related wedding advice from a bloke will generally be unhelpful.

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My uncle told me the key to a happy marriage is clear. You must have clear communication. Know when to clear the air. Always offer to clear the table. And never, ever forget to clear your browser history.

Plot Your Path

(Don’t confuse your audience by mixing up anecdotes that go back and forth in time.)

Our templates help structure your speech like a proper story, with a beginning, a middle, and an end. This can be as simple as placing your anecdotes in chronological order. Open with something about how you met or your childhood. Mention the day itself shortly after. Then end with a hopeful flourish with a nod to your future together. Let’s just hope nobody throws a plot twist into the works!

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Naturally, I am extremely grateful to my parents, not only for their massive contribution towards today but also for my upbringing, the guidance and the support. It’s impossible to sum up adequately what my wonderful parents have given me. They’ve put up with years of moaning, tantrums and huffs, and this is the pay-off … now it’s Paul’s turn to put up with it.

Singling Out

(Don’t neglect to thank someone who has done a lot for you out of fear you’ll upset the others.)

Occasionally one person above everyone else will need a special thank you for the work they’ve done. This will often be one of your bridesmaids or perhaps your mother. By thanking everyone together and then singling that person out you give them the praise they deserve without upsetting the others. You probably covered that when you forced them into wearing the same dress, so give those poor girls a break!

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I’d like to, very briefly, thank my bridesmaids for the part they have played today. They have been a great support to me during the last few months, almost as much as Oddbins. Paul keeps asking why I’ve not invited that Chardonnay I’ve been spending so much time with. One person who does merit a special mention though is Helen, who has always been there when I’ve needed her and always seems to have the right advice.