Ladies, Gentlemen, and acquaintances of the Groom who could hardly be described as either. Welcome to you all on this wonderful occasion. As Harry's big brother, I cannot tell you how gratifying it is to see him all dressed up for his special day - because let's face it, the only time he's going to be part of another state ceremony is when Grandma dies.
And Meghan, wow, what a beauty. With those looks and that charm, she's clearly someone who was born to be a princess. My brother, on the other hand, wouldn't look out of place chugging white lightning round the back of a Spar with a pregnant 15-year-old. Well, what do you expect… he is jobless benefit scum after all.
I jest, of course, but as tradition dictates, I must begin my speech with some gentle ribbing. You know, a little snipe in his direction, which the Taliban would've loved to have taken if he'd spent more than five minutes in Afghanistan.
The army has done him good though; I'll give him that. Where he was once partying, taking drugs, raising hell and causing offence left right and centre, these days he's still doing all those things but with a bunch of squaddies instead of the Kensington set. I think we can all agree that's an upgrade.
And he's done even more good work by becoming organiser and patron of the Invictus Games, in which wounded veterans take part in various sporting activities. How apt, given that our family has leaned on the country like a crutch while its economy remains crippled.
Not Meghan though. My kid brother's gorgeous new wife has worked hard her entire life. It's only recently that she retired from acting you know, whereas our old Granddad is going to have to brush up on his own performance skills if we're going to get through this wedding without trouble. No Granddad, you can't say that word even if you've heard people on the TV saying it.
If truth be told; Harry and Meghan are both from very different backgrounds. There's no denying it. She grew up in Hollywood, Harry grew up in my shadow. She's spent time on the silver screen, whereas he's more acquainted with a silver spoon. And as a student, Megan briefly moved to Argentina, whereas Harry spent most of his teenage years in Chelsey. Nice girl.
And speaking of busty blondes, I know there's a feisty American piece who'd loved to have been here today. But unfortunately, circumstances meant we were unable to extend an invite to President Trump.
But forget him. The only American we're bothered about today is the wonderfully talented Meghan, who is famous for being in Suits, whereas Harry has been photographed in a different kind of uniform altogether. Taking after Great Uncle Eddie, weren't you mate?
Speaking of family, I would like to also mention a subject which isn't easy for either of us to talk about. As many of you will know, my brother and I endured a terrible loss when we were far too young. This absence is more keenly felt on this of all days more than any other, and if we're honest with ourselves, we both know it's our father who was to blame. I am of course talking about male pattern baldness. You're thinning too, you ginger bastard. You're fooling no-one with that mound of glued-on Wotsit dust.
Sorry dad, I know that joke must've been a bit hard for you to hear at first. What? Oh, he's not paying attention, he's talking to the floral displays again. Can you believe we take after that, Harry? Well, I do at least. Hey, thank Christ he wasn't born a girl, folks. Otherwise, we'd need a paternity test to figure out who was giving the Father of the Bride speech.
In all seriousness though, Harry and I have both learned a lot from our dad. And he will, despite what everyone says, become a fantastic King. Hopefully, so will I one day, but I have to say I'm rather miffed about what people have been saying about the royal lineage since Harry and Meghan announced their engagement. The UKIP leader's partner said this wedding would one day lead to a black king. How's that going to happen, eh? Planning to bump me off along with my kids and our old man, are we Harry?
No. Of course he wouldn't do such a thing. Grandma might, but not our Harry.
And what would be wrong with a black king anyway? There's already been Don King, Martin Luther King, Ledley King… plenty of black kings. I'm all for it. Although in time, given the Windsor's history, there is a risk that Harry and Meghan might fall in with that UKIP lot. After all, Meghan's been married before, and the last time an American divorcee entered the family, her and our Great Uncle Ed got rather chummy with the Nazis as I recall.
Right, I need to wrap this up soon as we've all got work tomorrow. Haha, who am I kidding? We're a collective burden on the state!
Meghan, I will end by saying you've made my brother the happiest man in the world, at least until dad gets his arse on the throne. And Harry, mate, I'm just glad you turned up sober and decided against the Hugo Boss suit. Everyone except the readers of the Daily Mail, I ask you to join me in bestowing three cheers upon the happy couple.